If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
