I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
