pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
