If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
