i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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