I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
