you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
