Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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