I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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