My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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