Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
