You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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