can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
