Me. At least after what I've been through.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you had me at cake vodka
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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