A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
