saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
