told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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