Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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