I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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