i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
