Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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