you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
