dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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