I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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