Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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