You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
