I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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