Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
