i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
