please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
