If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
