omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
