my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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