the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
