TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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