i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
