the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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