The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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