I just pynch a tree in the face
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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