I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
