I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
