she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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