The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
