Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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