unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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