if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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