There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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