I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
