can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
