So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
