I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
