somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
