we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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