and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
