i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
