Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
