My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
