We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
