im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
