First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
