i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
false alarm, still single
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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